Kau Ilhamku -Man Bai

Soon, a broken family...

A father who's not acting like a role model. He's never satisfied with how good my grades are. He'll usually produce sarcastic remarks like, "When I was your age, I could do even better" or " Xx marks only?" When I was young, he broke all of favourite toys e.g. GameBoy Light, Digimon, Tamiya car. He fucking smokes. But that's one of the things I hate about him.

However there was this moment that made me hate him until now since the instance he did it. He tore one of my revision test papers (around 20 pages), which is supposed to be homework, done and given to the teacher. Angry to that extent, because I couldn't finish it in time. My mother is the one who helped me taped back all the pages one by one. And because of the scotchtape's slippery surface, I couldn't write over it, so I had to finish the last few pages writing on whatever space I could write on.

He's just not committed to live in a family yet, even though he's 40. He spents most of his time with his friends outside, chilling at the coffeeshop across the street than being at home and spend quality time with us. And when his friends asks for money from him, he'll be glad to lend them, even if it means there'll be minimal/no pocket money for us to spend on. He works as an engineer and earns around $3k per month, yet he doesn't know how to fully utilise it. One of the reasons i'm sure of, the money used to buy fucking cigarettes. Seriously, what's so good about poisonous death sticks that sucks your life for every moment you fucking suck on it?

Maybe I could try summarse it up a bit. He's lazy, inconsiderate, irresponsible, selfish (to a big extent) and a person who makes empty promises.

My sister (the 2nd child in the family), often being called by me as a minah. A once class chairman cum express student when she was in Sec 1. But ever since she's been involved in IRC chats e.g. alamak and friendster and started meeting them in person and getting influenced by various people (mostly bad peer influence) in her school, she has changed. She used to represent her school in a Maths competition due to her good results in Maths (one of the top students). To now from what I recently saw in her report book, last in the entire level, what more in her class.

Due to her change in character, our parents have also come to a lost of what to do. She'll usually talk to our youngest sister about her bf who's in jail because he was involved in this riot that happened at i-don't-care and talking about other guys. She drank, got drunk and got her handphone stolen. She's started smoking, and would not come back home for days. Latest record, 2 weeks. I don't even know whether she's still a virgin.

I witnessed abuse in front of my eyes. We were all in the living room watching tv. Me and my lil sis were sitting on the couch getting ready to leave for religious class, and all that's left was minah, who's still stuck on the floor placed directly in front of the television with a bottle of mango juice. My father was quite angry at that time and despite numerous persuasions from my mother to prepare to go for religious class, she still ignored and pretended she didn't hear... until my father shouted. Then she got up and headed for the kitchen. At that time, my father too, got up from the computer and confronted minah, scolding her. And then suddenly started hitting her, especially on the head. The mango juice bottle dropped and spilled on the floor. My mother wanted to stop my father, but he was already threatening to hit her if she doesn't back off. I was just stunned. My lil sis and me then left for religious class...

On the way to class, I nearly cried, but it's a good thing I didn't. I tried to act normal during class. And as usual, being quiet and furthermore not close with any of the peeps in that class. That moment just kept replaying back numerous times.. And I remembered one time I got kicked by my father when I was quite young. That time I was about to go to sleep, but because of a minor thing that made me somewhat angry and he was like telling me to switch off the comp and go to sleep.

My mother, a very caring person, but sensitive and soft. That's why minah is usually defiant against her and always scolding vulgarities, and acting like as though she's the one in charge instead of my mother. I pity my mother for being taken advantaged of, sometimes I feel guilty myself, that's why I try my best not to trouble her too much. But the thing is, she usually complains that my father doesn't give her enough money to pay for the household bill. And I suspect her buying 4D in hope of getting extra money to pay. Even if she does win a bit of money, the money she earned is through cheating, in life. If only she doesn't play lottery... I would be grateful even more.

My lil sis, somehow the only hope left for the family. Will be sitting through the PSLE this year. And I just hope she won't repeat history again.

As for me, I just try to aim for good grades in poly. Poly life, i'm contented. I don't know who I'm doing this for, but I know, I'm doing this mainly for myself, so that I could go to university, and then get a good job to pay back my family. I'm somehow being independant so at least in the future, I won't be too dependant on my parents.

Currently I have friends for support.

And especially, my loved one. Dearie.

-------------------------------------------------

I want to feel loved.